Talking the Talk

Ok, so, now that you know about Bracketology, we want you to be able to talk the talk. Let's start with some basics, like what all the lines on the court mean. See diagram below.





Next up: Positions.

There are 5 guys on the court at any one time and you know what else always has 5 guys? Boy Bands. That's right, boy bands. In any given good boy band, there are 5 guys on the stage. I say good so no one gets on me about 98 degrees, etc. Not that I have anything against them either, however, Nsync, Backstreet Boys and New Kids on the Block fit this analogy a little bit better.

So, in a boy band you have 5 positions to be filled:

Really Young Cute Guy, e.g. Joe (NKOTB), Justin (Nsync) and Nick (BBs)

The Actual Main Singer Guy, e.g. JC (Nsync, since Justin's already taken), Jordan (NKOTB) and hmm, Brian (BBs)

Old Guy, e.g. Kris Kirkpatrick (Nsync), Kevin (BBs) and Jon (NKOTB)

Bad Boy, e.g. AJ (BBs), Donnie (NKOTB), hmm Nsync is hard, i'll just stick Joey here, he did dye his hair red

Last but not least, the Quiet One, e.g. Lance (Nsync), Howie (BBs) and Danny (NKOTB - you could argue that Jon also filled this role, however, this is referring to singing and Danny only ever did the deep speaking parts)

Now, on the basketball court you have:

The Point Guard

The Point Guard is most similar to your Actual Main Singer Guy in a boy band because he is the team's best ballhandler, just like the Main Singer Guy is the band's best singer. I'm going to give examples of players in the NBA because it's more likely you've heard of them. Most famous is probably Magic Johnson, current examples are: Jason Kidd, Steve Nash, Chauncey Billups.

The Shooting Guard

The Shooting guard is most like the Young Cute Guy in a boy band because he is the best offensive player and because of that tends to be the team's all star and, let's be honest, the Cute Young Guys on boy bands tend to be the breakout stars. Look no further than Justin Timberlake. Examples of Shooting Guards: Most famous - Michael Jordan, current - Kobe Bryant, Dwayne Wade.

The Small Forward

The name can be deceiving because, typically, they are smaller, but they don't have to be. They're just usually quicker and leaner than power forwards and centers. The Small Forward is most like the Bad Boy in a boy band because the key to a good Small Forward is versatility and Bad Boys, while being bad, can also be pretty good singers and dancers. Examples of Small Forwards: Most famous - Larry Bird and Scottie Pippen, current - LeBron James, Shawn Marion.


The Power Forward

The Power Forward is similar to the Quiet One in a boy band because they tend to be the unsung heroes, playing a large role on defense and since the offensive players get all the glory, just like the main singers do, Power Forwards tend to be a little less audacious. Examples of Power Forwards: Most famous: Charles Barkley, Karl Malone, current - Tim Duncan, Dirk Nowitzki, Kevin Garnett


The Center

The Center is most similar to the Old Guy in a boy band because he is often referred to the Big Man and the Old Guy on boy bands are referred to as the big brother and may also be considered a "Big Man". With boy bands this is in reference to their age but in basketball this is literally in reference to their physical size. Typically they are no less than 7'0" in height. Sort of like how, when the boy bands start, the old guy is usually no younger than like, 17 or 18 :) Examples of Centers: Most famous - Wilt Chamberlain, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, current - Shaquille O'Neal, Yao Ming, Dwight Howard (LOVE HIM)


Ok, now that you have the positions and the court down, let's get into some lingo. Following is a list with explanations of common terms you'll hear while watching or reading about a basketball game.

The Shot Clock - Failure to attempt a shot that hits the rim within 35 seconds in college baskeball results in loss of possession. A buzzer goes off when the shot clock reaches zero. Think of this as the amount of time a stranger has to impress you. He's got 35 seconds to hit you with something that makes you want to give him your number and if he fails, a buzzer goes off in your head and he's lost posession of your attention :)

The Key also known as The Paint - (see the diagram to locate it on the actual court) This is the critical area on the court, where much of the action takes place in a game. Similar to the VIP area in the club. It's where everyone wants to be, it's a restricted area and you know it's where everything's goin down.

Dribble - traveling with the ball while bouncing it up and down continuously.

Layup - a shot with one hand from a point close to the basket, in which a player shoots the ball toward the basket, often off the backboard. This is a type of shot a player takes and you'll hear it a lot during games. The name refers to the action of "laying the ball in the basket".

Post up - To "post up" is to establish a position in the low post, the area near the basket below the foul line, usually in order to take advantage of a smaller defender. The term refers to the player standing there like a post in the ground. Others who "post up", bouncers outside the club. They are imovable forces preying on the little people.

Jump shot/Jumper - Um, jumping while getting off a shot as opposed to...not jumping :)

Pick, Pick and roll - A pick is also known as a screen and is an offensive/defensive move. The play begins with a defender guarding a ballhandler. The ballhandler moves toward a teammate, who sets a "screen" (or "pick") by standing in the way of the defender, who is separated from the still-moving ballhandler. The defender is forced to choose between guarding the ballhandler or the screener. If the defender tries to guard the ballhandler, then the screener can move toward the basket, sometimes by a foot pivot ("roll"), and is now open for a pass. If the defender chooses instead to guard the screening teammate, then the ballhandler has an open shot. This play is also useful out with your girls at the club. If a sketchy, gross, greasy guy approaches you, have your girlfriend move in and block him from you, then gross guy must decide to either hit on your friend or you. If he chooses to hit on your friend, you're free to get the bouncer to kick this guy out. If he chooses you, then your friend can go get the bouncer :)

Foul - An attempt to unfairly disadvantage an opponent through physical contact. Like when that really hot bad boy, who you know is not good for you, touches your arm and makes you drool a little bit. This is a foul because it puts you at an unfair disadvantage to say no to him through physical contact. Now, there are different types of fouls, they are Personal fouls and Technical fouls.

A Personal is a breach of the rules that concerns illegal personal contact with an opponent and is the most common type of foul in basketball. A Technical is any infraction of the rules penalized as a foul which does not involve physical contact during the course of play between players on the court, or is a foul by a non-player. The most common technical foul is for unsportsmanlike conduct. Technical fouls can be assessed against players, bench personnel, or even the entire team. College players get 5 personal fouls before being fouled out, which means they're out of the game.

Free Throw - Players who are fouled either receive the ball to pass inbounds again, or receive one or more free throws if they are fouled in the act of shooting, depending on whether the shot was successful. Each free throw is worth one point.

3 Point Line - (see diagram) Any basket made by a player who shoots the ball on the outside of the 3 point line scores 3 points for that basket as opposed to two, wich is standard unless it's a free throw (see above).

Glass - another name for the backboard of the basket. Often heard as, off the glass.

Rebound - is the act of successfully gaining possession of the basketball after a missed field goal (this is the technical term for basket) or free throw.

Time outs - Each Team get 4 - 75 second timeouts and 2 - 30 second timeouts for the game.

Traveling - is a violation of the rules that occurs when a player holding the ball illegally moves one or both of his feet. Most commonly, a player travels by illegally moving his pivot foot or taking too many steps without dribbling the ball.

X-Factor - a hard-to-describe influence or quality; an important element with unknown consequences. Often you'll hear commentators talk about the X-factor of a game, meaning who will step up, and the unknowns that could sway the game in a team's favor.

Now that you've got the lingo down, get out there and impress everyone with your new vocabulary. And remember, the terms can work both ways. So next time you're out clubbing with your girlfriends you can be like "Yeah, that guy's shock clock totally hit zero. Let's check out the Key but be ready for a pick and roll".

Tomorrow, we break out the trash talkin'.